The Racist of Choice

Last presidential election cycle, I wrote this speech for Joe Biden.

Hey Joe,

I know you have some of the top speech writers available, so the last thing you need is some unknown expat giving you tips on how to win the hearts and minds of not all but a good number of black people who honestly believe even our ancestors who made sacrifices so we could vote, would balk at us contemplating voting for you.

I believe they would insist that our vote be earned and deserved. You have neither earned nor deserve it.

So, please forgive my impertinence, but I have taken the liberty of writing a speech for you. Feel free to get your pros to burnish it. This is the first political speech I've ever written, so it will likely be below the polish you're accustomed to. But heed my words and their spirit because within this speech reside the keys to your victory (assuming your victory depends on black turnout, which for many democratic candidates is generally the case). 

Take this to heart, act on what I've written here, and you will have begun to earn and deserve at least my vote. 

So, here we go. I call this speech: The Racist of Choice:

Good Evening, my fellow Americans.

My name is Joe. And I am a racist. 

There. I've said it, and I meant it!

Don't get me wrong, though. I haven't signed off on any racist policies lately or made any racist remarks publicly, that is, in a few weeks. So, I'm not a full-blown, out-and-out racist like I used to be. But that's not to say I can't, at any moment, fall off the wagon and start launching more "N" bombs than that Old Dirty Bastard used to. Rest in Power ODB! That's because, honestly, I'm a recovering racist. And in recovery, anything can happen.

And now that you know that this election cycle will end with a racist in the White House, leading our country for at least the next 4 years, please let me tell you why I believe I should be your racist of choice.

First and foremost, I know I'm a racist. 

As we all know, the first step to dealing with a problem is being aware of its existence. 

Not only do I know I'm a racist, I know America is a very racist country. You know how I know? Well. aside from the obvious, that being we elected an overtly racist president, there's this:  it was policies like the ones I conceived and/or signed off on over my extended tenure in government service that has helped maintain the status quo of black disenfranchisement, injustice and inequality, ordained and established in the founding documents by those racists and rapists we call forefathers.

I'm guilty as charged.

Honestly, if it had not been for Barack Obama showing me the error of my ways, the canker sore on my soul, I would have spent the remainder of my career trying not to but likely failing not to implement or sign off on policies that disproportionately impact black people dishonorably. Not only was that my way, but that's just standard operational procedure in the Senate. 

Such is the nature of embedded racism

But my Buddy Barack, my homeboy, and I'm sad to confess, my first real black friend, it was he who made me aware of the racism I harbored in my heart. Him and Michelle and the kids, they made me feel ashamed of what I had allowed to fester within me and infect the entire nation via my influence. 

So, I've committed myself to ridding myself of of this affliction.

(Here, Joe, you would insert a true-life racist anecdote of your own. I'm sure you have plenty! Here's one just for example, feel free to use it.)

Do you know I once called Barack a nigger? I did. It just popped out my mouth. We were having a heated discussion about Obamacare because, naturally, initially, I was against it, and Barack had made it his mission to turn my stubborn racist ass around. Figuring if he could do that, he could turn any Republican around. And on this night, he was particularly aggressive about it. And I remember I said something like, "You think the Republicans are gonna let you just slide this shit through Congress because you're the nigger du jour, and you draw crowds like Beyonce? Fuck no! They gonna---" And I remember he interrupted me and just looked at me and said, "You know you just called me a nigger, right?"

And you know what? I hadn't even noticed. That scared the piss outta me, that I was so out of touch with black people, and with the nature of the beast within me, that I could unintentionally call a man the N word to his face and not even know.

I cried that night! I cried like a baby, Jill will tell you. We cried together. And from that night on, I have been dedicated, and I mean dedicated, committed as I've never been committed to anything else in my entire life. I committed myself to freeing my heart AND this country from the yoke of racism. And I promise you, to the best of my ability, and with the help of Kamala, we will.

The second reason you should make sure the next white house is a Biden / Harris White House is because of black people... and I'm being honest here. Black people make me feel guilty, make me feel afraid. Actually, they make me angry sometimes. Barack was the first black man who didn't scare the bejeezus outta me. And it was Barack that made me realize that black men aren't that scary. They aren't all super predators. Some are, of course, but some white people are too. Most black people are just people, and given a fair shake, they have just as much a chance of succeeding as any other people. But all the filthiness I've done over the course of my career against black people...it left me feeling so guilt-ridden, so culpable, and so inadequate to the task of repairing the damage I've doled out. 

I was gonna drop out of this race. Swear to god! But my wife Jill, she told me, at my darkest hour, she said, "Joe! Stay in, and Win, goddamnit! And once you've won you'll have the power to make amends. But first you gotta win, and to win you're gonna have to finally have a real conversation with black America about race and all your horrible misdeeds of the past. You're gonna have to come clean to be trusted." That's my Jill! I love her, and tonight, I've come cleaner than any former vice president or presidential candidate that has ever lived.

And thirdly let me tell you what I will do.

Slavery was a state-sanctioned institution written into the US Constitution. So it makes sense that the federal government should be held accountable. We have acknowledged the injustice of the slave trade in a variety of ways, including waging a Civil War, emancipating slaves, and even amending the Constitution and enacting statutes to provide citizenship, equal protection and civil rights. But we, the American government, have never apologized for America's original sin. This is a deep moral failing that has been compounded over decades and has brought us to the crossroads where we find ourselves.

Before we proceed, I would apologize, formally, on behalf of the government, to you, the descendants of American slavery. America has never expressed its contriteness at the highest level. No president, not even Barack, has done it directly and plainly and I believe it MUST be done before we can move on to my next task.

And the next task will be this:

Long overdue are reparations for slavery, and I promise that every day I'm in office, reparations will be on my agenda. Until the day they become a reality I will not stop pushing and utilizing all my political capital to make it happen. Barack had Obamacare. I have Reparations! 

I have to tell you, I don't believe in sending checks to black folks. But I will keep the door open for that and let the experts debate the best way to go about it. I personally don't think checks would have the greatest impact on black destitution or on the uneven playing field. But what kind of impact would free education from kindergarten through university have on generations to come? And free healthcare, and NO interest mortgages? These are the least we can do to address the inequality that has given us white folk unearned and undeserved privileges for centuries.

We can rectify this, and if you vote for me, I promise I will. And senator Harris said she'll see me do this even if she has to, how did she put it? 'I'm gonna ride your ass til it's done' is what she said. And I believe her. So rest assured, this will be at the forefront of my mind from the day I take office til the day I sign the Reparations Bill into law. 

My fellow Americans, you're going to have a racist president. This is the sad truth. There's no evading that outcome. It's a certainty. What isn't certain is whether the racist of choice will do battle with his inner demons every day, or let them inform his every decision. 

I promise if you choose me America, you will never regret that choice! 

Thank you." 

So, Mr. Biden, there you have it—an outline of a winning speech. Just tweak it a bit here and there, and trust me, it will garner you more of that black vote you will not win without. You can get us (well, at least me) to vote for you without feeling like I need a two-hour shower afterward.

Good luck,

Baye McNeil