The Onanii (Masturbating) Brothers
Japanese kids are a trip. But, these two are a voyage to the beyond!
I have two third-year students who, over the past three years, have made it their prime directive to shock and amaze me…and their escapades have escalated with each passing year. Just try to imagine Abbott and Costello, then picture them together as Junior High School students in the 21st century. Now, picture them as Japanese. The resulting picture will probably resemble Yuuji-kun and Tarou-kun. Yuuji is kind of chubby but with the pep and agility of an athlete, like one of those fat comedians who can break dance. Tarou is the straight man who gives the duo balance. He can set anyone up for a prank with the skill of a seasoned pantomime.
I knew from the first time I met them, back when they were 1st year students, that they would be inseparable and a handful. They had been a popular duo since Elementary school, so Junior High School meant some new audience members (classmates from other elementary schools) and fresh teachers to impress. Both have IQs off the charts, so they are the class clowns and among the best in almost every subject.
English was a new challenge, however. They came to the school with as much exposure to English as the other students in the class: little to nil. But, they took an immediate liking to me and began demonstrating an intense interest in learning about me and the language I spoke from day one.
And, by intense, I mean they took the initiative like you wouldn’t believe. They are classic examples of why I don’t assume anything about what Japanese people know or don’t know, especially students. They started by not watching but studying English movies and TV shows, especially comedies and rather racy stuff, and getting at me in the hallways to explain to them the meaning of words or running the expressions they’d learned by me to see if they had gotten it right.
That first year, I remember Yuuji stopping me in the hallway one day and saying, “Good Morning McNeil-Sensei! How are you?”
“I’m fine, thank you…and you?” I replied, like I do 1000 times a week to my kids.
“I’m fine, thank you.”
It was just as I had taught him and his classmates a few weeks earlier, straight from the textbook. And I was about to praise him on his voice and diction when Tarou walked by. Yuuji was looking at my face, the perfect expression of a student awaiting a pat on the head, when he turned and saw Tarou as if he’d sensed his approach. Suddenly, Yuuji burst out yelling, “You son of a bitch! I ought to kick your ass!”
Tarou turned and hissed like a snake and assumed a battle-ready stance: “You just try it, you fat fuck. I’ll wipe that stupid look off your face!”
I stood there with my mouth open in shock. Such aggression and hostility from Japanese people were unexpected. Shocking, even. Suddenly they were grappling with one another, and Yuuji got Tarou in a bear hug and squeezed him, pumping him from the rear like they were having intercourse, yelling, “How do you like that? Huh? How do you like that?”
An audience of students started to draw near, but no one intervened; they just stared, half-amused and half-stunned.
Tarou’s face turned red, so I stepped over and told Yuuji to let him down…in English. That’s when I realized I understood perfectly everything they’d said because they had been speaking English, too.
WTF!
Yuuji was watching my face and started laughing as he set Tarou down. Tarou still had the crimson hue of someone who had gotten the air squeezed out of him, but he was laughing, too.
Two professionals.
I was speechless. They both nodded like they understood what I hadn’t said: you guys are gifted!
Tarou and Yuuji kept this up for their entire first year of school. Their English was still at a primary level, but they were learning many natural English expressions independently, incorporating them into their everyday conversation. Each expression was chosen for its shock value, and they rarely failed. As I ask all students daily, I’d ask them, “How’s the weather today?” Most students would say sunny or rainy or cold or cloudy. Some students might remember to say “it’s” before the weather conditions. Most don’t, regardless of how often I ram it into their heads. Yuuji would say, “It’s cold as a fuck!” and Tarou might say, “Who cares? We’re inside!” With those two, you never know what you’re gonna get. Even when I was expecting a trick, they’d figure out a way to catch me off guard or do nothing and have me second-guessing everything. I was their foil.
In their second year, they took to hanging out around the bathrooms between classes with a mob of fans. When I walked past, they’d grab me by the crotch and try to drag me into the bathroom. Japanese kids have no qualms about playing grab-ass, no homo hangups like we had back when I was a junior high school student. So, I’m subject to all kinds of sexual assaults when I pass by. Once, I let them drag me into the bathroom against my better judgment just to see what they were up to. Four of them pulled me in, where another 10 or so were standing around like a scene from any American school movie ever made. No one was smoking, drinking, writing graffiti on the wall, or anything like that. Just a bunch of kids hanging out.
Once, I was flung into this mix, and the ones who were already in the bathroom froze guiltily or jumped about like I’d caught them doing something. From their behavior, I wouldn’t have been surprised to find one of the female students on her knees in one of the stalls, giving head. I looked hard but couldn’t see, hear, or smell anything amiss. So, I figured maybe it was some kind of group masturbation. If shoving their fingers up my ass is OK (koncho), who knows what goes on with these kids in Japan when no adults are watching? I certainly don’t.
“Nani shiteiru?” (What are y’all doing?)
“Nani mo nai yo” (Nothing)
I knew the Japanese word for masturbation, so I said: “Yappari…Onanii shiteiru deshou…” (Probably whacking off in here!)
“CHIGAU!!!” (Hell no!!)
Since I’d gotten a rise out of them, I figured I must have hit close to home.
Of course, Yuuji thought this was the perfect time for some hijinks. He started pretending to give Tarou a handjob. And Tarou looked perfectly like someone trying to pretend he was not receiving a handjob while he was experiencing intense pleasure. I almost fell out laughing.
“The Onanii Brothers!” I called them, and they loved it.
And the name has stuck until this day.
Today, three years later, their skits are much more sophisticated. And much dirtier. You won’t believe what they did to shock me today.
The day’s grammar point was: I’m too something to do something, or I’m so something that I can’t do something. My instructions to the class: Make pairs and prepare a skit using the following guidelines, but feel free to expand beyond it. Let your imaginations run wild:
Student A: Hey _____________ , let’s do something today.
Student B: Sorry _______________ but __________ am/is/are too ____________ to do something today.
Student A: Oh, I see. That’s too bad.
Student B: How about something else?
Student A: That sounds like fun but I can’t. _______________________ am/are/is so _________________ that _____________ can’t ____________________________.
Student B: OK, I understand.
Student A: How about tomorrow?
Student B: That sounds great!
I had already taught them the grammar the previous week, so this was a review and an opportunity to demonstrate what they’d learned. This was my English Elective class, so the students mostly loved English or were pretty good at it. At first, I planned to have them perform their skits before the entire class, but I thought better of it. The potential embarrassment often restricts the weaker student’s imaginations, and they’d likely stick to the safe and simple instead of spreading their wings a little, which is what I like to encourage them to do. So I told them that they need only perform it before me or the Japanese teacher. If they do it they’ll get a stamp, but if they use some imagination, they’ll receive two stamps. The Kids love stamps. I have a Snoopy stamp that I use. (I can’t find any “A pimp named Slickback” stamps anywhere) (-:
“Yoroshii deshou ka?” (Is that OK with everybody?)
No response, which could either mean yes or no depending on the quality of the silence, which I still have trouble reading.
“OK, let’s make pairs!” I said and held up two fingers. My kids know a lot of classroom instruction words like “make pairs,” “Make groups,” “Sit down,” “Stand up,” “Answer the question,” etc…but they choose to disregard the meaning whenever it’s inconvenient. Some girls like to work in threes or fours. Some guys like to work in a mob. Pairwork is just not group enough for some kids. So I had to walk around the classroom, breaking trios, quartets, quintets, and mobs into duos for a few minutes.
Tarou and Yuuji naturally paired off, no arm twisting necessary. They were manzai, a team. And I could see in the purposeful expressions on their faces that they had big plans for my guidelines. I couldn’t wait to see the result. To be honest, sometimes I design lessons with these two in mind because they are always good entertainment. It's not always fun for the family, though. Generally, it is PG-13, but sometimes R-rated and even X-rated. Still, since I’m the only one in the class who can understand them (including the Japanese English teacher most of the time), the students don’t know exactly what they’ve said, only that it was enough to bring tears of laughter to my eyes or to make me cut them off mid-sentence or mid-word and say, “Okaayyyyy, thank you very much, Tarou and Yuuji! Next!”
After about 20 minutes, the higher-level students started coming to where I was at the front of the class to show me the skit they’d written. Most were about shopping, purikura, baseball, or karaoke. Hey Natsuko, let’s go to purikura. Sorry, but I’m too tired to go to purikura. Hey, Let’s go shopping. I’m so sleepy that I can’t go shopping. OK then. Some of them were pretty good. Most were safe and exactly what I had asked for minus the imagination running wild part. I gave out a lot of single stamps. Only a couple of students warranted double stamps.
It was one minute until the bell, and Yuuji and Tarou were still at it, rehearsing and re-writing. Watching them was like having a behind-the-scenes, behind-closed-doors view of a brilliant comedy team like Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder, Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance or Jay and Silent Bob, or even Beavis and Butthead. I would have loved to watch them a bit longer, but the bell began to chime.
The students all returned to their seats, and we closed the class as always with a bow and a roar of “Arigatou gozaimashita!” As I collected my materials to head for the teacher’s office, a little disappointed that they hadn’t finished in time, Yuuji and Tarou came.
“McNeil-sensei, Ima chotto yatte mo ii?” (Can we do it now?) Tarou asked.
“Osoku natta deshou?” (A little late, aren’t you?)
“Yoroshiku onegai shimasu…” (please…) Yuuji sang/pled.
“Ja, douzo” (Alright, go ahead) I said like I wasn’t eager to see it.
They faced each other, hands-free, having committed the conversation to memory:
Yuuji: Hey Keiko-chan, let’s make love tonight.
Tarou/Keiko: Sorry Yuuji-sama, but my pussy is too hurt to make love tonight.
Yuuji: Oh, I see. That’s too bad.
Tarou/Keiko: How about anal sex?
Yuuji: That sounds like fun but your ass is so tight that my big dick can’t get in.
Tarou / Keiko: OK, I understand.
Yuuji: How about a blowjob?
Tarou:Keiko: Oh yes, That sounds wonderful!
Then, Tarou looked cravingly down at Yuuji’s crotch and licked his lips. He was about to kneel when I grabbed him and said, “Just go get your books so I can stamp them!”
I gave them both double stamps, of course. I know I probably shouldn’t be encouraging the dirty English, but I’m just so damn proud of how they’ve grasped the language. I’d hate to be party to anything that discourages them in any way.